|
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday and we got him an
iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my
birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad. Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network
with the iWash, iCook and iClean
This inevitably
activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next
week!!
_________________________________________________________________
The Pilot and the Priest
A priest dies and is waiting
in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool
guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?
'The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'
Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot,
'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into
Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next,
it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.
'Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be? 'Up here
- we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'!
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Mr. T: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status .
Mr. T: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
Teacher: Which is the oldest animal
in world?
Mr. T: ZEBRA
Teacher:
How?
Mr. T: Bcoz it
is Black & White
Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d
3rd time U R coming to court..
Mr. T to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have
shame?
Question:
"Should Women have Children after 35?"
Smart Mr. T Replied: "No!
35
Children R More than Enough!!"
Mr. T attending an interview
in Software Company.
Manager:
Do U know MS Office?
Mr. T: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
Mr. T got
a sms from his girl friend:
"I MISS YOU"
Mr. Tji replied:
"I Mr YOU" !!.
After finishing MBBS Mr. T started his practice. He Checked 1st
Patient's
Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch & Finallly Said:
"Torch is okay"
Mr. T1: Oye, what will happen if electricity
is not discovered?
Mr. T2: Nothing, we must watch TV in candle light.
Mr. T
in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: "
Bombay ... Bombay
"
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Mr. T: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"
Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Mr. T: "All are born on government holidays...!!!
Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Mr. T: Color of Orange is orange,
but color of Apple is not APPLE
Mr. T bought a new mobile.
He called everyone from his Phone Book & said
"My Mobile No. has changed .. Earlier it was Nokia
3310 Now it is 6610" |
Forwarde by Jugan_________________________________________________________________________
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of
a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from
achieving them.
Mike Tyson
The great question... which I have not been able to
answer... is, "What does a woman want?
George
Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times
a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W.
Bush
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan
"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't." The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump
Two secrets
to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O'Neal
The most effective
way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant
You know what
I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy
for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when
she's wrong.
Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred
letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Brad Pitt
First
Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy
Kimmel
"Honey, what happened to 'ladies first'?" Husband replies, "That's the reason why the
world's a mess today, because a lady went first!"
David Letterman
"First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!
Jay Leno
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her.
Lee Majors
Forwarded by Sagayaraj-Tuty
_________________________________________________________________
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son
and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said.
"(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons
why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic
~~~
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends,
they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden!
You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell
me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and
said, "At your wedding."
The Usher ~~~
An elderly woman walked into the local
country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would
you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered."You really don't want to do
that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman
inquired. "No." he said. "I'm
the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell ~~~
A kindergarten
teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to
share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name
is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.." The second student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class
and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray ~~~
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister.
"I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong,"
the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The
repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was
when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One ~~~
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be
retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar
bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.
"Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even
a cruise to the Caribbean "
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting
life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner ~~~
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal,
the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the
startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard
Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
Lord, keep Your
arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth !!! AMEN.
Forwarded by Lisette Mascarenhas
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before and After Marriage
(தி.மு) திருமணத்திற்கு
முன்
(நிச்சயதார்த்தம்
முடிந்தவுடன்)
கீழே படியுங்கள்
அவன் : ஆமாம், இதற்காகத்தானே
நான் இத்தனை நாளாய்க் காத்திருந்தேன்.
அவள் : நீ என்னை
விட்டு விலக நினைப்பாயா
?
அவன் : இல்லை, இல்லை, நான்
கனவிலும் அதை நினைத்ததில்லை
அவள் : நீ என்னை விரும்புகிறாயா
?
அவன் : ஆமாம், இன்றும், என்றென்றும்
அவள் : என்னை
ஏமாற்றிவிடுவாயா ?
அவன்
: அதைவிட
நான் இறப்பதே மேல்
அவள்
: எனக்கொரு
முத்தம் தருவாயா ?
அவன்
: கண்டிப்பாக, அதுதானே
எனக்கு மிகப் பெரிய சந்தோச
தருணம்
அவள் : என்னை
திட்டுவாயா ?
அவன்
: ஒருபோதும்
இல்லை. அப்படிச் செய்வேன்
என்று நினைத்தாயா ?
அவள்
: நீ
என்னுடன் கடைசிவரை கைகோர்த்து
வருவாயா ?
(தி.பி) திருமணத்திற்குப்
பின்
கீழிருந்து மேலே
படியுங்கள் Forwarded by Pootharan Fdo
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind
him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?""My wife's."''What happened to her?"The
man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very
poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line." ______________________________________________________
Attending a wedding
for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her
life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing
black?'
~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third
boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon,
and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out
while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to
arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't
get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school
teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment
to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were
teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ' Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Forwarded by Joyce Fernando _______________________________________________________________
Marriage humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've
been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my
choices?'
Wife
: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always
carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how
great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous
and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's
very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's
because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this
morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
_______________________________
A newly married man asked his wife,
'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married
you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours
forever
The guy
replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe
and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
Forwarded by:Joyce Fdo.
______________________________________________________________________
The man gets out of his car, walks all the way out
to the farmer and asks him "ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? The farmer replies "I'm trying to win a Noble prize." How? as the man puzzled. Well I heard that they give the Noble Prize to
people who are outstanding in their field" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnie had'nt spoken a word in all his six years of life. Finally one morning at breakfast
he cried out," Mum, the toast's burnt!' His amazed mother hugged him
joyfully and asked, "johnny, why haven't you spoken before? Well, he replied
everything's been all right up till now! _________________________________________________
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't
find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place
I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to
the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'The priest said,
'Then stand over there against the wall.'Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?''Certainly,
Father,' was the man's reply. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.Then Father Murphy
walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole
said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting
a group together to go right now.'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had
died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They
say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied
Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------- Forwarded By Maria Lena
WHY AM I MARRIED? At a cocktail party , one woman said
to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes , I am. I married the wrong man." __________ A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband
Wanted". Next
day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." __________ When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge
than to let her keep him. __________ A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. ________ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy , how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied , "I don't know
son , I'm still paying." __________ A young son asked, "Is it true Dad , that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?" Dad replied , "That happens in every country , son." __________ Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was until I got married, and by then , it was too late." __________ Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. __________ If you want your spouse
to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. __________ Just think , if it weren't for marriage
, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. __________ First guy says , "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks , "You're
lucky , mine's still alive." __________ "A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him
and for patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength I'll just beat him to death"
Forwarded by Roy Fernando
A little
girl asked her mother,
"How
did the human race appear?" The mother
answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later She asked her father the
same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and dad says they were developed from
monkeys?"
The mother
answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family and your father told you
about his side.
Forwarded by: Jenson Fernando
|
